


Ashes

by empathyjohnny



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Byun Baekhyun is Whipped, Happy Ending, Kinda, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Minor Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Minor Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin, Minor Oh Sehun/Park Chanyeol, This is really sad, baekhyun deserves better, from the ashes, it has a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22328857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empathyjohnny/pseuds/empathyjohnny
Summary: Byun Baekhyun was left with a scar on his heart after his best friend and self declared soulmate abandons him at the drop of a hat. Now under the orders of his therapist Dr. Lee Taeyong, he has to reflect on the past in order to move on to be truly happy with his current boyfriend.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongin | Kai, Byun Baekhyun/Lee Taemin
Kudos: 23





	Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> This is more of a vent fic then anything, the beginning is really angsty and sad, but it gets happier!

Most people say that you only meet your true soulmate once. That while you have many “soulmates” you’ll only find the one person who truly completes you once. Of course this isn’t some sort of fictional story, so you can also lose your soulmate, scarily easy as Baekhyun discovered. 

He thought back to that day, how angry Taemin had sounded at him. It was his fault, he knew that, but he wasn’t dumb enough to cut everything off. Baekhyun knew how Taemin made him feel, how quick he could calm the older down, how easily the younger could make him smile with the simplest of words, and with just how easily things fit. They were practically the same person. They had both been through a lot and had the same outlook on life. They were completely compatible. Platonically that was. 

Baekhyun was stupid in that regard, he always let his dumb heart go and do whatever it wanted. When he was hurt he sought out comfort and warmth with someone else. Taemin used to be his person, but he was also clear on the fact that they were  _ just friends _ . Which Baekhyun knew was for the best, but it still hurt. 

Baekhyun was also stupid to go to Jongin’s place. That was Taemin’s ex after all. They broke up and Taemin was over him, plus he and Jongin were just friends. But of course Baekhyun let his heart do the thinking instead of his head. 

Jongin said all the right things. Called Baekhyun  _ perfect _ , made him feel wanted in a time when he was losing everything that he held dear, his fiance Chanyeol had just left him for Sehun anyway. He was hurt. Hurt and stupid. Baekhyun was always stupid, or at least thats what he found out by the end of the week. 

He didn’t even register the situation until he could hear Taemin yelling at him, cursing at him for fucking up  _ that _ badly. How dare he flirt with his ex? How dare he even be friends with him? Baekhyun was mentally hitting himself, knowing how stupid he was. 

Of course that didn’t replace the emptiness that he felt in the wake of his soulmate leaving. That didn’t make the dreams go away, that didn’t make the longing go away.

Weeks later Baekhyun sits in his bed at night mentally beating himself up. He knew Taemin though, he knew how he held grudges. Knew that no matter what he could’ve said it never would’ve made up for the actions that he did.  _ Actions speak louder than words _ . He should have remembered that. He shouldn’t have been so stupid. 

Taemin. Taemin was his soulmate, he was sure of that. Of course, every good thing must come to an end. He learned that the hard way, many times, over and over again. With Taemin he was breathing fresh air. He was living his truest life, he was happy. Without Taemin he felt broken. 

Baekhyun knew it was his fault. He knew that no matter what the facts were, what the concrete evidence supported, it was his fault. He should have known better. He should’ve thought more. 

Even months later  _ his  _ name brings a weakness to Baekhyun’s knees, makes him feel sick, makes him feel like the whole world is crashing around him again. 

Baekhyun lets too many things compile in his head, compartmentalizing them and burying them to never be dealt with. He makes sure they don’t come out of where they live and when they do come out he’s alone. He doesn’t want to bother people with his sins. He knows better than to get close to people. 

Even now that he’s found love and life again in someone. Thoughts still haunt him, stuck to him like glue. A never wearing sticky glue that keeps his mistakes and sins pasted in the back of his head. No matter how much he puts things in front of those haunting memories, they crash through it all, transporting him back to the very day that he lost his soulmate. 

If he saw Taemin again now, he didn’t know what he’d do. Probably ignore him, and knowing how small the world was, he’d probably run into him at some point. 

Baekhyun wishes he got closure, wishes he could’ve said something more, maybe even fought a little harder, most of all he wishes that he never got close to Taemin. Without that one decision, he wouldn’t know the loss that he felt right now. Maybe Chanyeol would have even stayed with him. Maybe. Everything was just a series of maybes now. 

_ To Taemin  _ he wrote on a paper, Baekhyun’s therapist said that this was supposed to be therapeutic, that this was supposed to help him be able to associate new things to the name, to remember the good instead of the loss. 

~~_ Thank you, truly for everything that you gave me.  _ ~~ He crossed the sentence out, shaking his head, trying to swallow the lump in his throat as he tried to think of what exactly he could say. Baekhyun focused on the good memories, thought about all the times that he and Taemin had fun together. 

_ We were epic. Our friendship was epic. I remember when I met you I thought you were funny, but I never thought we’d get as close as we did. I also never thought that I’d hurt you as badly as I did. I want to say I’m sorry. I know you won’t accept that and that you don’t want apologies, which is why you’ll never see this, but I’m sorry. You were everything to me. I never lied to you or said any fake words or recycled things. Everything I felt was genuine. It always was.  _ Baekhyun hadn’t even noticed he was crying yet, mistaking the tears trailing down his cheeks as it just getting cold in the room. 

_ I’m also sorry that I loved you. I should have understood the boundaries. I shouldn’t have pushed my luck either. I hope you’re happy now. You were also so sweet to me, it didn’t matter what I was going through, you always had my back. I’m sorry that I depended on you with everything, I was stupid in  _ ~~_ every regard _ ~~ _ that regard. You are a light person. A light soul with a flame so strong and powerful that I hope it never ever goes out. You were there for many laughs, many times I cried too, you were there. I knew I could turn around and your hand would be there, waiting to pull me off the ledge.  _ He stopped writing for a second, letting a sob wrack through his body when he did. 

_ I should have been a better friend. I should have been less stupid and I understand that now. I don’t deserve nor need your forgiveness, but I need you to understand that I’m sorry. You don’t have to accept it. Just know it. Know that I never lied to you, know that everything I said, everything I felt was real, know that I was never just a shell… never just a silhouette with you. I felt more like myself with you then I had in a long time. You made me happy.  _ His words were getting sloppy now, tears dotted the page and made the paper tear in places as he wrote. 

_ We were two diamonds cut from the same stone. I was silly to think that these two diamonds would have ended up on the same ring. We are both light and shining in our own ways. We both have our flaws, we both have our weaknesses, but we’re both good in our own ways whether you agree or not. After this, I’m not going to let you into my head any more. I won’t let you haunt me and control how I live my life because I live in fear of you. I can’t let you in anymore. You drew the line and shut the door, but I’m the one locking it and boarding it up. You have ruled over the domain of my head long enough, but it’s finally time for a new king to rise and reign.  _ At this point, Baekhyun had stopped crying, and the loneliness that had consumed him for days on end was fading. The dread, the sickness, the guilt, it was all swirling down the drain of his mind and exiting onto the paper. 

_ I’m sorry I let you have so much power over me, I’m sorry I gave myself all to you. However, we both made mistakes, mine was greater, but that doesn’t mean that your mistakes weren’t there. Thank you for finally setting me free, for teaching me that things can get better and there is happiness out there. Thank you for showing me a way out of my hell even if you did ultimately condemn me to it for a period of time. Thank you. Live your life to the fullest and I truly hope you are happier and doing better. Goodbye, Taemin.  _ He signed the letter off, smiling a little as he creeped into the kitchen with the pages clenched in his hands. 

Baekhyun rummaged through the drawers in his kitchen, setting the papers down on the counter as he looked for the item. Jongin always had the habit of placing things where they didn’t belong, which Baekhyun found to be the cutest thing ever, but right now he was determined and he needed to complete this before he sunk back into his mindset. 

He cheered softly as he found the lighter, he grabbed the pages before he padded over to the sink. He made sure the pages were together before he lit the corner on fire, watching the flame slowly travel down the page as he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. 

When the flames travelled too far down the page he dropped them into the sink and watched the rest of them disappear to ash. “Goodbye, Taemin.” he let out a sigh as the fire finally died out, rising the sink of the ashes of the past. 

Baekhyun was too focused on the relief that flooded his system to notice the soft noises from behind him, jumping a little as he felt Jongin’s strong squishy arms around his waist. “What are you doing awake, baby?” his boyfriend said softly, leaning down to kiss the side of Baekhyun’s head softly, tightening his arms. 

“I just had to do what Dr. Lee said, to move on, y’know?” Baekhyun spoke softly, leaning back into his boyfriend’s embrace. Like a phoenix, from the ashes a new smarter life emerged. 

Jongin was everything that Baekhyun wanted and more. He was delicate and soft, he treated him right, he valued him. Baekhyun never felt lower than him and when he did, it was because he had willingly submitted to him in the proper scene. Baekhyun’s mind was a scary place, but he was getting better at opening up. 

“That’s good, baby. I’m very proud of you, my little bunny.” Jongin hummed out, nuzzling the top of his boyfriends head before kissing it softly. Jongin let go of Baekhyun slowly before taking the lighter and putting it back in the open drawer, closing the drawer before picking the smaller up and holding him tight. 

Baekhyun blushed softly at the use of the pet name, nuzzling his head into his boyfriend’s neck, inhaling deeply and relaxing. He already felt so much lighter, the clutter that had been plaguing his head for months had burned away. There were no longer any thoughts that came back to haunt him in the night. 

Jongin was truly his light. Leading him out of the darkness. Encouraging him to get the help that he needed. Jongin only made him stronger, wiser, happier. He never held him back or told him that he couldn’t do things. Jongin always cheered him on and was his first and sometimes almost supporter. 

Baekhyun knew that he could never change the past, he also knew that he didn’t regret the actions that lead him to be at this spot in his life. Sure, Taemin was his person, was even his soulmate, but looking back at it after everything, he didn’t complete Baekhyun, he left a false sense of security, but for being his best friend, Taemin never gave him a benefit of the doubt or the ability to explain, he just left. 

With Jongin, everything was different, he made Baekhyun feel truly free, he made him feel  _ alive _ . Jongin did everything right at every step of the way, never faltering even when he was sad or they disagreed. They made the best team and Baekhyun would be silly to throw all the progress and chemistry that they had away. 

The smaller boy held onto his boyfriend, letting him carry him back to the bed before putting him down. “I’m in love with you, Kim Jongin.” he rushed out, his chest halting his the airflow as he realized what he had just said. He had never admitted it out loud to the other before. 

Jongin stopped his moments from the other side of the bed where he was trying to climb back in, his eyes widened as he looked at his boyfriend. Even in the darkness, Baekhyun could see his already caramelized cheeks turn a few shades darker. 

“I’m in love with you, Kim Jongin. You complete me, you make me feel safe, I’ll never need anyone else but you… and… and god dammit if I could I’d marry you right now because I feel that sure about you! I could never live without you and you make me feel so whole and happy and you-” Baekhyun got cut off with a passionate kiss from Jongin. 

“I’m in love with you, too, Byun Baekhyun.” Jongin pants out after a few moments of them kissing. “You complete me and make me feel whole too. You help me feel like a person. You help me feel like I deserve good things. And I… I’d marry you right now as well, but we both know that neither of our parents or friends would approve of that.” he let out a soft laugh as he spoke, getting into bed with the other before pulling Baekhyun on top of him. 

“I’m so lucky that you’re my bunny, Baekie. You make me the happiest man alive.” Jongin whispered softly before leaving soft kisses all around his boyfriends face. 

“I’m so lucky that you’re my puppy, Jongie. You make me the happiest man alive.” Baekhyun repeated back, kissing Jongin softly.

And from the ashes, they rose. 


End file.
